I am guiding myself through a healing process of sorts. The following is not meant in any way to treat, cure, diagnose anyone. All my posts are my personal stories and I hope someone finds it useful in some way.
Just yesterday, I was amazed by a small incident that took me back in time to November of 1997. Maybe it was the healing processes I have been going through, or maybe it was the old school music I had on the CD player. Who could know, but yesterday I was ready and open to remember this moment with clarity.
I had driven on this highway, probably 20+ times over the last 16 years. Each time I would remember the first speeding ticket I received as I passed this spot on the highway. I remembered that I was a hot mess that evening so many moons ago, as I drove 2 hours home from college for the weekend. What I always remembered most each time was how indifferent I was to that police officer.
His voice telling me, "Had you just hit your brakes when you looked right at me, I wouldn't be writing you this ticket right now!"
That stuck with me. That comment has been replayed in my head many times over the years. It left an emotional mark on my soul, and today I still hit my brakes any time I see a police car.
It was the first time I ever was indifferent to someone in authority. This wasn't who I was at the core. I was a respectful, law abiding person at my core. It set in motion just one more thing to be angry at myself for. One more thing I had done wrong, and just one more thing that I had left my parents and self down about over these last few months.
Yesterday was different though, it's what I didn't remember any of the times before about this moment, that suddenly came rushing back and has me here writing today.
I drove home yesterday, after a long day at Knoebels amusement park, with two kids exhausted after a fun day, quietly enjoying listening to Creed sing "One last breath" in the CD player. I glanced over to the spot on the road that police officer was sitting all those years ago, like I had each time before over the years.
Today was different, I could see the police car, I could feel the officer looking right at me. In that moment I wasn't in my Honda Minivan here in 2014, I was driving my baby blue Trans Am, back in 1997. When I glanced over to where my 9 year old baby girl now sit resting, I see my college roommate right beside me and I could feel the raw emotion in the air. It was if I was 19 again. I finally remembered why I was going home that day and why all the sudden I was so indifferent to someone in authority.
This wasn't just some random 2 hour drive home from college for a visit. This was the day I was letting go of a love, that I felt in my heart I shouldn't. I was so torn, but there was no going back in my mind. I had already done and said things I could never take back, things I couldn't even tell him I had done that week since I last talked to him and broke things off. I had cried that week leading up to my drive home. I had let every emotion out and had nothing left for that trip home to show that cop. I was burnt out, emotionless.
I couldn't show that police officer I was sorry I was speeding, because I wasn't. I wasn't anything, but a core of the person I was just a few weeks prior. I just wanted to get home and this weekend to be over.
And so it was, a moment that should have been small, became a defining moment that drew another line in the sand to what I would think of myself for over 16 years. Certainly not the only moment, nor the biggest that led to years of pain, but most certainly one of them.
Those few months of my first and only year at college, I changed drastically. By the time I dropped out at the end of my freshman year, I had no love left for myself. I hated me and the choices I kept making. Sure, I have great memories of college as well, and I learned some lessons that brought me to who I am today. There was a time that my anger blamed college for sending me on a wicked 10 years of bad decisions.
Now I can't, today as I heal from my past I know that this was what I choose. Who I was, was a choice I made and likely would have made regardless of if I had stayed home that year or not. No one else and no one specific thing of my past could change the lessons I needed to learn in this life.
As I have been opening myself up to what past incidents may have taught me incorrect perceptions of life, I find myself remembering things way back that set me on a path of needing to have attention from men and me needing to please them. Today I want to please me. I want to focus on being a great mom, but first and foremost I can't be a great mom without love for myself. Which is why I choose to heal my past, so I can let go and move forward.
Many will not be ready to hear this and won't agree with me, but I needed the emotional scars I suffered through the years. At the time I need to prove to myself that I was worthless, because that is what I thought of myself then. I set myself up to have the life I have lived thus far. I made those choices. I was in control of the wheel. I can't blame anyone else, nor do I want to, but trust me I spent years blaming others. I won't probably ever go into the major incidents of my life in a public forum such as this, but I want you to know. This incident was minor and certainly may not feel like a big deal, but it was. Every incident that we don't allow ourselves to heal from and accept, leaves a scar. No matter how minor, this shapes us.
Today I am strong & know a lot of the things I allowed to happen to me were wrong, but I could have made choices to change them. I could have, not anyone else. Only I could have changed the outcome. I spent several years in my 20's wishing I was dead, considering killing myself. I almost did a couple of times. I'm glad I didn't.
I'm am oh so thankful that I got through those years & I am here to still talk about it.
I suppose sharing this is my way of hopefully helping someone else step away from the edge and take a look.
It is never hopeless, there is always time to make a change, even when it doesn't feel that way.
I'm glad I finally found a place in myself for love again, for standing up for myself. That defining moment came in my late 20's after a dear lifelong friend died suddenly. Her death was when I finally said, enough is enough. I want more with life and I choose to not be treated as a doormat anymore. It has been a long process and some days I failed at standing up for myself. I am 35 today and I am finally at a point, where I can say I forgive myself for the past. I forgive those who I blamed for my hatred. I forgive any wrong doing by others. I apologize to myself. And I am sorry to anyone who may have been hurt along the way. I choose to remember, so I can find growth through obstacles I come across.
I feel great today. I feel amazed that I can now open myself up to these past incidents and be able to find learning through them, rather than get stuck in them. I refuse to close a door and never open it again. I am thankful that I am not going to go through life allowing myself to not learn from the lessons put before me. Some people spend a whole life pitying themselves and passing blame. I can't & I won't.
No matter where in life I head next, I know that each choice I make will help shape who I will be tomorrow.
May you all see the blessings of your life and make today your day to make another positive change.
I just finished reading "Feelings Buried Alive Never Die..." by Karol K. Truman. A book that helps guide you through healing the hidden emotions from throughout your life that may now be causing physical pains and illness throughout your body. I highly suggest this book to anyone looking to heal their past. I have also opened myself up to several natural healing processes, which I won't go into here today. If you would like to know what other healing processes I am using to help guide me, feel free to ask.
Please leave you comments and love below.